25 June, 2020
A year ago today I returned to the United States. I walked through the gate at the airport waving bye to my friends and family who had supported me and cared for me during a time when I knew no one, and biting back tears long enough to make it on to the plane. The exchange students who I had relied on because they were the only ones who could even begin to understand the wonderful and terrifying emotional turmoil that we had all experienced during our exchange were there My host families and Mandarin teachers who had taken me into their homes and, usually, patiently taught me their language, culture, and lifestyles, took videos as they called out 愛妳喔! (love you) or 我們會想念妳! (we will miss you) On the plane I took out the Taiwanese flag that was covered with Sharpie messages that I had saved for that moment. I turned my head towards the window in hopes that my silent, fast tears would not disturb the passenger seated next to me.
A layover in Japan and then another in Atlanta, Georgia. As the officer waved me through the gate after checking my passport he said "welcome home." My chest swelled with excitement and nervousness as I thought of seeing my family again in a few hours. As we flew towards South Bend the sky started to darken both because of the nearing end of a seemingly endless day and from an approaching storm. Nearing our arrival, we were informed that due to tornadoes in South Bend we would be landing in Fort Wayne until it would be safe. Two thoughts ran through my head. First, it has been ten months since I last saw my family, and now the universe is dangling them just out of reach? Secondly, its a sign. Its almost definitely a sign. Take me back to Taiwan! I went home too early and the universe knows it!
I saw their faces and started an odd, happy run towards them. My family and my best friend. Holding flowers and smiling. We did not cry. We laughed and smiled despite their exhaustion from waiting due to the delay and mine from traveling. I talked at them as fast as I could, non stop, about my stories of Taiwan.
It did not stop, or even slow, for another month. It seemed, to those around me, that it was all I talked about. My stories continued, and continue with steadily less frequency. I drove them mad, especially my friends and twin brother who were around my age. Their annoyance, in turn, annoyed me; how could they be so insensitive? This was almost an entire year of my life that I had experienced without them! The most important one thus far! How can they not understand that it is all I think about? My parents were patient and supportive but I could tell that their interest waned quickly. My sister, who had been an exchange student, and other exchange students seemed to be the only ones who cared.
In retrospect, there was no way for those who had never experienced an exchange to understand. The constant stream of stories was probably exhausting and infuriating. I was being just as unsympathetic as I thought them to be.
When the awe of being home wore off, I sunk into a low that dipped into depression at times. I longed for every aspect of the exchange. The close friends who were at most, a metro ride away. The easy-going feel to the school. The marvel of my classmates. The glorious spontaneity of every moment that had been replaced with the dull rhythm of a school routine so familiar that nothing was surprising or exciting. The food that always new and culture that I had spent ten months trying to understand only to leave. I missed all of it.
It was a constant struggle that got easier as the days flashed by. However, despite my greatest efforts not to be a ghost that is stuck in another time, I still find myself sinking back to that low point at times. I slowly had to learn how to replace the associated feelings of loss with a feeling of thankfulness with my memories of exchange. Every time a smell, flavor, or image took me straight back to the bustling, beautiful city I had to tell myself, until it became real, that my smile was not one of a sad remembrance but a joyous one. In other words, I had to learn to let go.
My experience on exchange opened my eyes, not only to another culture but to the one that I was born into as well. I learned that I was stronger than I could have ever imagined. I was powerful enough to learn another language and to influence those around me. I was brave enough to be alone and to be unsure. Exchange had sculpted me. Upon my return home I was more confident and more knowing.
If you get the chance, take it! Experience it so that you can discover yourself and your own, personal culture. Do not worry about the things that you will not be able to control through your journey, you are not expected to be able to control them. I am often asked the question of whether it was worth it. The hard times on exchange and the even harder times returning. My answer is yes. A million times YES! Do it! Fight for it! The reason that exchange students long for exchange so much once it ends is because it is AMAZING while it is happening. And when you do return home, be thankful for and celebrate your time on exchange. It is okay to miss it but fight falling into that void.
A year has gone by since I returned to the states from my exchange in Taiwan.
I met so many amazing people who have made an irreversible impact on me, I did things that I never imagined that I was capable of, and I tried things I never knew existed. I am thankful for every moment of it. For every person who influenced me and for every moment of culture that I experienced. Leaving, a year ago, was the hardest thing I have ever done. And yet, here I am, still standing. I miss everyone terribly. But, the memories that we shared now make me smile with joy rather than loss.
